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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27265360">What Does It Mean To Be Here?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fi_Vind/pseuds/Fi_Vind'>Fi_Vind</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>No Straight Roads (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I know a lot more goes into this but... i don't feel like writing it all out-, i think this counts as emotional hurt?, it was like... 2am or something when i wrote this, it. just. happens behind the scenes and stuff-, maybe..., my braincells aren't working right now i'm so sorry-, oc is emotionally stunted. or constipated...?, this is pretty much just angst, uhhh strugglign on what to tag so...</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:08:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>862</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27265360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fi_Vind/pseuds/Fi_Vind</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She just wants what's best for her kid. If this is what's best, then so be it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What Does It Mean To Be Here?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is literally just for the angst and to show where Lotus' mom is and what happened to her. Kinda. In a way. <br/>No braincells, head empty so gonna have to edit later when head not empty-</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellis let out a deep sigh, head in her hands, listening to the wails that came from the wooden bassinet beside her. She tried for hours to try and calm the child's crying but nothing worked. She wasn't good at it either. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Many have told her that she would get the hang of it. New mothers struggled all the time in the first days or so, but the days passed and she didn't. She couldn't. She already knew she didn't have a motherly bone in her body. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She never felt the excitement others felt when talking about wanting kids or anything. She didn't feel the overwhelming love when she first held her child. But she cared about their wellbeing damn it all. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she knew she couldn't give them a stable, loving environment… she just couldn't. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She grew up the same way. Her parents obviously cared for her and everything, but they had problems processing their emotions and instead buried them deep to the point of becoming almost emotionless. A byproduct of the vicious cycles they came from.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellis had tried, she really really tried, to not end up like them but it all stuck like tree sap to her. No matter how many sessions and therapists she went through, none of it helped. She tried so many times… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She knew being with her would just damage them. She didn't want to do that. Not in any way. Ellis couldn't bear the thought of ruining another child's life by her hands. Even if it was unintentional. Shr cared for their wellbeing, who they would eventually grow up to be…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellis looked up. She didn't hear anything anymore… she peeked into the bassinet, seeing that the baby had cried themselves to sleep. She reached in, carefully picking them up and held them close. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't deserve the upbringing I got…" Ellis said, almost whispering. "You deserve so much more…" </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She stared at the child in her arms, quiet. She stayed like that for nearly an hour before placing them back into the bassinet and standing up from her bed. She stood up, walking to her desk and sat down at it. Taking out some paper, she took a breath, gathered her thoughts, and began writing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The letters were tucked safely in her pocket. She reached up and knocked on the door a few times. After a minute she knocked again. It was the afternoon, not late enough to where many people were on their way home but plenty were simply wandering or so. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a few seconds of silence she sighed, preparing to turn away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Ellis?" </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She looked at who the voice belonged to, cringing internally.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Uh…" She paused. "To get straight to the point, I, uh, need to talk." </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was quiet for a moment before snapping out of it. When he invited her inside, she accepted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I can't do it."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"What?" He asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I said, 'I can't do it.' I just can't Kliff." Ellis shook her head, staring at her folded hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"What do you mean-"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I can't keep the kid. I'm not taking the risk of adoption. I can't." Ellis muttered. When she didn't hear Kliff respond, she continued.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I've been going to therapy for awhile. I haven't found the right one or something but nothing's worked. She doesn't deserve an emotionless parent. She doesn't deserve the way I grew up…"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She let herself get lost in memories, at least for a little bit as she talked and explained. She remembered when she was a child, she had gotten hurt by falling or something. She had gone to one of her parents for comfort, crying. She was patched up, told that she was fine and that was that. She was left confused and seeking some form of comfort but couldn't find it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She imagined herself in a similar situation many times. She imagined her little girl running up to her, hurt or terrified from something or a nightmare. Ellis would patch her up or simply tell her she was just fine in that same flat voice her parents used on her at times and simply walk away. She left the girl there, confused and hurt, growing up to believing that was normal... </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wouldn't allow it. She couldn't. She just couldn't. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And so, she made her decision.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Staring at the sky, she thought. And thought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her parents weren't in her life. She cut them out a while ago, so that she could heal. Break the cycle with herself and forge a healthy life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she was beaten. She couldn't do it or it just wasn't made for her to do so. She was just one of the other casualties in just one of the brutal cycles that existed. She sometimes wondered if she made the right decision but she knew she did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellis just knew she did. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wondered if her child would know of her? She didn't really know. Would it be best if she didn't? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She let those thoughts drift away and her mind go blank. She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled as she let her eyes close. She had to have made the right choice…</span>
</p>
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